I Refuse To Say Anything Corny

What is it!!??

Artistic shot through
the bowl

I’m sure most cooking blog posts start with something clever or informative about cooking, but I’m gonna start with a question.  As someone who cooks nearly every day, I admit that I should know this, but I don’t.  What the hell are those weird little nubbins that you sometimes find in peppers?  Is it a baby pepper?  Am I performing a pepper abortion?  I mean, I believe in a pepper’s right to choose…but doesn’t this end up being my choice?   Sorry baby peppers.  Anyway, red (baby?) peppers, tomatoes, diced green chiles, jalapenos, cilantro, some cumin, some chipotles, corn, tomato puree, and a secret ingredient, and I’m in business for Black Bean Corn Salsa.  NO, I will not tell you the secret ingredient, but it is what gives this salsa its tang!  

So here’s the deal with this salsa.  I have tried MULTIPLE recipes, but nothing could compare to my favorite store bought salsa:  the amazing, the magnificent, Desert Pepper Salsa.  Their Peach Mango Salsa rocks my world, but their Black Bean Corn Salsa is a-mah-zing (a la Happy Endings if you’ve seen that show, which I recommend you do—it’s HILAR).  

So unlike most of my recipes that I follow, I made this one up.  I dorkishly made a list of the ingredients in the Desert Pepper salsa (in descending order), and did a little kitchen experiment to duplicate.  My bro and his wife were good sports and agreed to test-drive this recipe with their co-workers, and they all gave me some good feedback so I could refine and improve.  With some tweaks to the amounts of tomatoes, onions, and spices, I arrived at my happy cooking place.  

Cooking without a recipe makes me feel so official!  And in the spirit of Nicki Minaj, and mock narcissism, “all you haters mad because I’m so established!”   

Black Bean And Corn Salsa:  I Refuse To Say Anything Corny

Sweet and Spicy: Everything You Want In a Woman!

Confession:  the hot pepper jelly is my favorite, but don’t tell any of my other jams that.  You can put it on crackers, sammiches, or use it as a dipping sauce—it’s so versatile (just like my best gay Toby J)!  As any of my friends and fellow social work students can tell you, I have spent a TON of time perfecting the hot pepper jelly recipe, and forcing half-pint jars into their hands every other week.  I decided I would turn up the challenge and make it a triple threat—triple the recipe, cut down on my cooking time, and increase my profit.  I am one savvy little business-woman, right?  Riiiight.  

Don't you ever wonder who actually
buys those bulk products?

In order to do so I had to bust into the giant 50 lb. bag a suga, and puree 6 red bell peppers, 12 habaneros, and 12 serranos.  I finally got a big-girl food processor so I didn’t have to puree the peppers in 1-cup batches (like I used to do in my single lady food processor—making relish is gonna rock nowwwww).  Anywho, that many hot peppers in one contraption was more than ever so slightly akin to breathing in pepper spray, and I had no less than 3 separate coughing fits, but hey, I suffer for my craft.  

I know I'm a Grinch and this won't
help sales, but doesn't this look like
Christmas threw up in a stock pot?  

Sooo…pureed peppers +18 cups sugar + 4 cups vinegar + 3 packets liquid pectin = 20 jars of hot pepper jelly!  The triple threat worked out fabulously in the end, but not without a tremendous amount of anxiety on my part as the jars took forever to gel.  I was all worried I was gonna be stuck with 20 jars of spicy, sugary vinegar that never turn into jelly.  Then I reminded myself of the profound and immortal words of Destiny's Child...I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this...'cause my body's too bootylicious foooor yoooou baaaabe.  Whew, feels good to get that out.  I'm not sure that a jam blog would be complete without it?  I just don't wanna be too bootylicious for my own jelly.  Guess the anxiety was worth it in the end, but it was a looong 3 hours hoping that Destiny's Child was wrong, which I have NEVER thought before.  I don't just heart jam, I heart Beyonce too (random fact about me:  if I could look like any celebrity, it would be Beyonce).  

Hot Pepper Jelly    Sweet and Spicy:  Everything You Want In a Woman!  

Nice and Dark, Just How I LIke My Men...

...wait what?  Who SAID that?  Ok, other than my title, I'm feeling woefully uncreative at the moment.  I promise to turn up the sass for the next post.  The blackberry jam experiment yesterday was a success, and let me tell ya this, not having to dice the fruit in any way was AWESOOOOOME.  At any rate, here are some totally gorge fruit pics.

This looks like a horrible granny smith apple murder scene.  Random jam factoid:  blackberries don't have enough natural pectin to "gel" on their own.  If you add apple slices while cooking, the blackberries use and abuse them for their pectin, and then you can discard the apples or use elsewhere.  Huh.  

I'm glad blackberries were on sale and I decided to try this recipe, if for nothing else than the richness of the colors and the texture of the jam.  Blackberry Jam with Lemon Zest:  Nice and Dark, Just How I like My Men!

Sweet and a Little Tart, Just Like Your Unmarried Sister

Yes, those are my feet--I'm not tall
enough to see into the stock pot
without gettin' on my tippy-toes. 

Even though I used Lauren for her Costco membership, forced her to go Woodman's on a Sunday, and then made her help me carry the jars and vinegar upstairs, she was still a good sport and helped me make my very first batch of strawberry-lemon jam for sale.  She'll hate this pic, but I think it's adorables since she's crackin' up.  Hulling strawberries is funny.   It's extra funny since I made her do all the hard work while I prepared jars and zested lemons. It was nice to have actual conversation and help--usually I'm in the kitchen by myself, pretending that I have my own cooking show, or talking to Gigi.  And cosmos.  It was nice to have lots of cosmos.

It was also extra fabulous to have help with dicing strawberries (which takes FOREVER), and we got a kick out of pretending to be photographers.

Lauren ladled the goods into the jars, and then I did the lid and boiling water work.  I didn't wanna leave that part to a rookie who'd been sippin' on my infamous peach cosmos for the afternoon...



And voila!  Strawberry-Lemon Jam:  Sweet, and a Little Tart, Just Like Your Unmarried Sister

Jam On It!

It all started with a suggestion.  Just a mere, "you should make your own hot pepper jelly," suggestion (Curses to you Lauren W!).  I quickly dismissed this idea as silly, time-consuming, and perhaps even foolish.  Why would I go through all that work when I can just buy it for $5.00 per half-pint jar, at a store that is far away, and open 5 days a week, during business hours?  Oh that's right, I can never get there when they're open, it's hella expensive, and I'm a poor graduate student.  In SOCIAL WORK.  And it's Wisconsin.  Hot pepper jelly is hard to come by in dese here nordern parts, yah?  In fact, it's hardly heard of.  So...the suggestion, my pocketbook, and my desire to do something industrious on what might otherwise be a sad day (my deceased dad's bday), started me on a minor kitchen adventure, turned hobby, (turned obsession?), turned small business.  My new jam business is officially named What~Bam~ThankYou~Jams!  We all mulled over (and over and over) the name with MANY amazing suggestions.  In the end, I just decided that I'm a Wham-Bam kinda girl.

I've been working my pert little butt off for months, trying out and adjusting recipes (Canning For a New Generation by Liana Krissoff is my bible), and pursuing a spot at one of the local mini-farmers' markets.  Hooray--I found a market who wants me, and here's the best part:  we're BOTH farmers' market virgins!  This is their first year doing the market and they have no idea if anyone will even come.  This is my first year vending at a market, and I have no idea if anyone will even buy a product from some kooky, single, grad student who lives with her cat (Gigi Louise!), and makes random homemade goods in her 1-bedroom apartment.


The adventure officially started TODAY.  Using my best friend Lauren for her Costco membership (she's all cool with a house and husband and kids and stuff), she helped me stock up on sugar (50 L-Bs peeps!), and other assorted goods from Woodman's such as vinegar, canning jars, and random ingredient:  mustard seeds.  We made a bit of a scene at the store, taking taking photos and generally just giggling, while people wondered what the hell was so funny about a cart full of 8 gallons of vinegar.  We made an even bigger scene as we unloaded my bounty, and couldn't stop laughing about how I looked like either a hoarder, or an extreme couponer.  228 canning jars, 50 lbs. of sugar, 12 mega rolls of paper towels, 8 gallons of vinegar, 6 boxes of liquid pectin, and this girl is officially ready to start her business!  Seriously, people better buy this shit.

Gigi "helping" put groceries away

The Bounty